


All In My Head

by givebackmylifecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Possession, Post-Season/Series 13, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 13:52:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15244815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givebackmylifecas/pseuds/givebackmylifecas
Summary: “Cas, I…” I love you too. The words stick in his throat. There’s no room for love in this world, not when it’s ending.Castiel gives him a gentle smile. “It’s okay Dean, you don’t have to say it back. I know you don’t love me, and I would hate for you to have to lie. I don’t need you to love me, I don’t think anyone ever has. But that is beside the point. I just need you to know that you are loved. That’s all that matters.”Post Season 13: What does Michael make Dean see, while in control of his body? Hint: It looks a lot like the "End!verse"





	All In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Post Season 13 Coda, of what Michael forces Dean to see while trapped in his own head. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings for:  
> \- Mild Swearing  
> \- Vague Sexual content  
> \- Mild references to drug use  
> \- Temporary Character Death  
> \- My terrible writing

They’ve been doing this thing, this whatever it is, for 6 months now when Cas says it.

“I love you.”, he says and Dean rolls off him, exhausted and slightly shocked.

He doesn’t know how to respond, so he doesn’t. They lie there silently, in the too narrow bed, in a too small cabin, at the end of the world. Cas doesn’t say anything else, so Dean decides to ignore it. The former angel was probably high when he said it anyway.

 

Except the next night, he says it again. Dean comes with a groan and Cas breathes them, the words barely perceptible but Dean hears them anyway: “I love you.”

He pulls out and walks away from Cas, not bothering to put clothes on. He doesn’t need to hear this.

 

But Cas says it the next night, and the night after that, and the one after that. Everytime they’re intimate, Cas tells him that he loves him. And Dean… he doesn’t know what to say. So each night he ignores the former angel.

It’s happened every day for three weeks now, when Dean finally cracks.

Cas has once again professed his love for the hunter and he just can’t take it anymore.

“You need to stop saying that.”, he snaps.

“What?” Castiel’s eyes seem even wider than usual, Dean thinks he sees a flicker of the angel’s old innocence in them.

He sighs. “You need to stop saying you love me.”

“But I do.”

They’re sitting in bed, Cas’ chest still glistening with sweat, staring at Dean and the way the fallen angel is looking at him is ripping his fucking heart in two.

“No you don’t.”

“Yes, Dean, I do. I love you.”

“Cas, I…” _I love you too._ The words stick in his throat. There’s no room for love in this world, not when it’s ending.

Castiel gives him a gentle smile. “It’s okay Dean, you don’t have to say it back. I know you don’t love me, and I would hate for you to have to lie. I don’t need you to love me, I don’t think anyone ever has. But that is beside the point. I just need you to know that you are loved. That’s all that matters.”

Something breaks inside Dean when he hears the utter conviction in Cas’ voice, that not only does he truly love the hunter, but he really believes he isn’t loved in return.

He wants to gather him into his arms, wants to tell him how much he loves him, but he can’t get the words out.

Cas gets up to leave. Dean opens his mouth, wants to tell him. Instead he says: “Why don’t you stay here, Cas? Last night on Earth, you shouldn’t be alone.”

Castiel gives him that heart-rending smile again and lies down beside him.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Don’t… don’t thank me for letting you stay Cas.”

Cas doesn’t answer, just leans over and blows out their solitary candle, encasing them both in darkness.

Dean doesn’t know if Cas still hears these, but for the first time since Sammy said yes, he prays. He tells Cas everything he has wanted to say. Tells him how much he loves him, how he’s the only thing he has left in this broken world, how much he regrets never being the partner the angel needed him to be.

Maybe Cas can’t hear his prayers anymore, but when he rolls over in his sleep and grips Dean’s shoulder frighteningly tight, the hunter thinks it might not matter, that they’re connected anyway.

 

* * *

 

Sam looks different, but not as different as Dean thought he would with an Archangel in his body. He still has the same boyish smile, the same air of empathy. He isn’t the same though. He holds Dean in the air with supernatural forces and makes him watch as he kills each member of his team individually. He leaves Castiel for last though.

“Brother. I heard you were dead.”, Lucifer says and Castiel smiles genially.

“Nope.”, Cas says and Dean wonders if he’s high again – he wouldn’t blame him. “Just not an angel anymore, Lucifer. It’s fun. You should try it sometime. Everything is much more… visceral.”

Lucifer’s lip curls with disgust. “You sound like Gabriel.”

Castiel shrugs. “Our brother was wrong about many things, but the perks of humanity he was very right about.”

“You disgust me, Castiel. You gave up everything our Father gifted you with so you could pop pills with the mud-monkeys? You’re the worst angel, I’ve ever heard of.”

“Maybe, but at least I wasn’t kicked out of heaven and forced to Fall.”, Cas is smirking and Dean wants him to stop talking, because maybe the Devil will go easy on him then – they were brothers after all.

Lucifer kicks Cas and Dean struggles against his invisible bonds to no avail. “And what a choice you made, Castiel. The most spectacularly bad decision any angel has ever made and you did it for him!” Lucifer gestures at Dean, grabbing Castiel by his lapels and forcing him to look at Dean. “You followed him, the righteous man, into certain death, for what? For his dick up your ass? That isn’t love, Castiel, you spurned the true love of heaven and received nothing in return. It's fitting that that is the sum of your life: nothing! And when I kill you, you will be forgotten and forever be nothing.”

“It’s not true, Cas.”, Dean rasps and Lucifer’s head turns in his direction, eyes ablaze with fury, still holding Cas by the collar. “Don’t listen to him. None of it is true, you’re not nothing. You’re everything, and I –“

There’s a sickening crack as Lucifer breaks Cas’ neck.

Dean screams as Cas’ body drops to the ground and Lucifer steps towards him and –

  

* * *

 

 

“Dean.”

“Dean?”

“Dean! Wake up! You need to wake up!”

“Dean, please! Give us a sign, anything!”

 

Dean opens his eyes and recoils. Lucifer is still wearing his brother’s body. So why isn’t Dean dead yet?

Lucifer smiles in relief. “Thank God, Dean. You’re okay! Hold on, let me get Cas!”

“Cas?” Dean is confused.

“Don’t worry, Sam will be back with Castiel in a minute.”

Dean turns his head to look at who had spoken. “Jack?”

The boy nods. “We’re so glad you’re okay! After we banished Michael from your body, we weren’t sure if…”

There are footsteps coming towards them, and Castiel bursts into the room, closely followed by Lucifer – no Sam – and everything comes flooding back to Dean: Jack, he parallel dimensions, Lucifer returning, saying “yes” to Michael.

He breathes a sigh of relief, trying to rid himself of the images that Michael had clearly planted in his brain, as Cas envelops him in a warm hug.

He smells exactly as he should, not a whiff of sweat or weed on him and Dean returns the hug, clutching desperately at the angel.

Cas eventually lets go, only for both Sam and Jack to wrap him in bear hugs. Dean accepts them enthusiastically – although he does find that he has to remind himself that Lucifer is dead and can’t be possessing his brother, when Sam hugs him.

Once he extricates himself from their arms, Sam insists on going to make them all something to eat and Jack offers to help, throwing Dean what he is sure the boy thinks is a subtle wink.

Left alone with Cas again, Dean buries his face in the angel’s chest and lets himself be held for a while.

“You know I love you right?”, he asks and Castiel tightens his grip on him.

“Of course I do, Dean. As I love you. Why do you need to ask such a thing?”

Dean ignores the question and instead asks: “When Lucifer possessed you, what did you see?”

Cas stiffens, but answers anyway. “I was watching TV, it showed me everything I had ever wanted and it showed me getting all of that. I think he wanted to keep me content to keep me passive.”

Dean nods and Cas asks in return: “What did Michael make you see?”

Dean shudders at the memories, but tells Cas anyway.

“Strange that the supposedly righteous Archangel would choose to show you your greatest fears. He’s almost crueller than Lucifer.”, Cas says contemplatively.

“Yeah he is.” Dean murmurs. “Hey, Cas?” He pulls back just enough to be able to look the angel in the eye.

“Yes, ol hoath?”

“I love you, I always will. And Sam and Jack love you too – in their own way.”

“As I love you, ol ar od aoiveae. And of course I love them too, in a different way.”, Cas says with a gentle smile.

Dean leans in for a kiss. “Good, I just needed you to know. You’re everything, ol murifri.”

Cas smiles at the Enochian. “I do know, Dean. Thanks to you, how could I believe any different?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> You know the drill, drop me Comments or Kudos if you liked/regretted reading this or say hi on tumblr (@hefellfordean)  
> PSA: This was written at 1am, I have not yet proofread it, so I apologise for any mistakes..


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